NOTE: Hi Everyone!
Just so we’re all on the same page, this article is part 3 of a 4-part series. Since each lesson builds upon what the previous article laid out, I hope you’ll go back to “Look for the Thread” (part 1), and “How Hidden Beliefs Shape the Way We See the World” (part 2) before moving forward. These can be found in the right-hand column of the BTBAB home page.
We’ve spent some time looking for the threads.
We’ve considered how an experience can become an interpretation, how that interpretation can become a belief, and how that belief can quietly influence the lens through which we experience the world.
But there’s another layer we need to explore.
Because beliefs don’t simply sit quietly inside us.
They influence what we do.
They influence what we pursue, what we avoid, what we tolerate, what we fear—and sometimes, even the ways we try to change ourselves.
And this is where I want to ask you to become especially curious.
Not critical.
Curious.
Because the behavior itself doesn’t always tell us what’s happening underneath it.
Sometimes We Aren’t Even Consciously Aware of the Transaction
Human beings are remarkably good at learning what works.
When a particular behavior gets us something we want—or something we think we need—we’re more likely to repeat it.
Sometimes we aren’t even consciously aware of the transaction.
When I do this… I get that.
Maybe doing something perfectly gets you approval.
Maybe saying yes keeps the peace.
Maybe being needed makes you feel valuable.
Maybe staying busy keeps uncomfortable feelings at a distance.
Maybe looking a certain way gets you attention.
Maybe being independent protects you from having to need someone else.
Maybe accomplishing things helps you feel like you’re enough.
And eventually, the behavior can become automatic.
We stop asking why we’re doing it.
We simply think:
“That’s just who I am.”
But what if there’s more to the story?
What Does This Behavior GET Me?
This may be one of the most valuable questions we can ask ourselves.
Not:
“Why can’t I just stop doing this?”
But:
“What does this behavior GET me?”
Because if a behavior is repeatedly getting us something we need—or think we need—it’s going to be difficult to change simply by telling ourselves we should stop.
We have to understand the need underneath the behavior.
What does it provide?
Approval?
Attention?
Security?
Control?
Belonging?
Relief?
A sense of worth?
Protection from rejection?
Protection from disappointment?
Sometimes the answer may be uncomfortable.
That’s okay.
We’re not doing this inventory to prove that we’re secretly terrible people.
We’re trying to understand the map.
Because once we understand what a behavior has been accomplishing for us, we can begin asking whether we still need it to do that job.
Question Your Motivation
This is where things can get interesting.
We’re often far too quick to label behaviors as simply good or bad.
Exercise is good.
Eating well is good.
Working hard is good.
Setting boundaries is good.
Taking care of your appearance is good.
Pursuing a career is good.
Helping people is good.
Growing is good.
But the behavior itself doesn’t tell us everything.
Two people can do exactly the same thing for completely different reasons.
And that’s why we have to learn to look underneath the behavior.
Imagine Two Women Joining a Gym
One woman decides she’s going to get healthier.
She wants to exercise, take better care of her body, and become stronger.
That’s a good thing.
But another woman can walk into that exact same gym carrying a very different belief:
If I can just change my body enough, maybe I’ll finally be attractive enough.
Maybe then I’ll be chosen.
Maybe then someone will treat me the way I want to be treated.
From the outside?
They look exactly the same.
They’re both working out.
But underneath the behavior are two very different stories.
One is saying:
“I am already worthy, and I want to become healthier.”
The other is saying:
“Maybe if I become healthier, I will finally be worthy.”
And that distinction matters.
One is striving for worth.
The other is stewarding what she already believes has worth.
That’s why we’re not going to make a list of behaviors that are automatically healthy or unhealthy.
We’re going to learn to question our motivation.
Have I Made This Responsible for Telling Me Who I Am?
Here’s another question I want you to sit with:
Have I made this responsible for telling me who I am?
Have I made my appearance responsible for telling me whether I’m desirable?
Have I made my accomplishments responsible for telling me whether I’m successful?
Have I made someone else’s affection responsible for telling me whether I’m lovable?
Have I made being needed responsible for telling me whether I’m valuable?
Have I made my productivity responsible for telling me whether I’m worthy?
Because there’s a difference between stewarding something valuable and building your identity around it.
And that difference can be difficult to see when we’re standing inside the pattern.
Now, Take Inventory
Choose something you’re currently pursuing, changing, avoiding, or working hard to accomplish.
It doesn’t have to be something dramatic.
Choose something that makes you curious.
Then ask yourself:
What am I hoping this will give me?
Who am I hoping will notice?
What do I believe will change if I accomplish it?
What am I afraid will happen if I don’t?
And here’s one I really want you to consider:
If nobody ever knew I accomplished this, would I still want it?
The answer doesn’t have to be yes.
Wanting recognition doesn’t make you bad.
Wanting attention doesn’t make you shallow.
Wanting to be admired is human.
But your answer may tell you something about what role this goal is playing in your life.
And once again, we’re looking for the thread.
Go One Layer Deeper
Ask yourself:
Am I trying to change my circumstances—or prove something about myself?
Am I caring for myself—or trying to finally become worthy of care?
Am I moving toward health—or running away from shame?
Am I stewarding something valuable—or using it to build my identity?
And perhaps the simplest question of all:
Is this making me freer—or more dependent on the outcome?
Because healthy growth should ultimately create greater freedom.
Not necessarily an easier life.
Not necessarily fewer problems.
Not necessarily the outcome we hoped for.
But greater freedom in how we respond.
Your Transformation Cannot Control Someone Else
This may be one of the hardest truths in this entire conversation.
Healthy growth doesn’t give us control over other people’s choices.
You can become healthier and someone can still behave badly.
You can become more beautiful and someone can still reject you.
You can become more successful and someone can still envy you.
You can become more loving and someone can still be unkind.
You can communicate perfectly and someone can still misunderstand you.
Your transformation cannot be a bargain with someone else’s behavior.
Because otherwise, self-improvement can quietly become another form of magical thinking:
If I can just become enough, perhaps nobody will hurt me anymore.
But that’s not freedom.
That’s a cage with prettier wallpaper.
So What Are You Really Changing?
This is where I want us to pause.
Sometimes we’re changing because we’re genuinely growing.
And sometimes we’re changing because we’re desperately trying to escape the person we believe we are.
From the outside?
They can look identical.
But underneath them is a completely different message.
One says:
“I am already worthy, and I want to become healthier.”
The other says:
“Maybe if I become healthier, I will finally be worthy.”
So don’t just examine what you’re doing.
Examine what you’re hoping the doing will accomplish.
That’s where the deeper work begins.
Because transformation is beautiful.
Growth is beautiful.
Change is beautiful.
But transformation is healthiest when it flows from knowing your worth—not when it becomes an attempt to earn it.
Where This Leaves Us
We’re not finished unraveling the threads.
Not even close.
But perhaps you’re beginning to see why this investigation matters.
We started with an experience.
Then we looked at the interpretation.
Then the belief.
Then the lens through which we experience the world.
Now we’re beginning to see the patterns those beliefs can produce.
And once we can see the pattern…
we can begin asking an even harder question:
Does this thread still belong in the life I’m weaving?
That’s where we’re headed next.
Because sometimes a thread needs to be challenged.
Sometimes it needs to be pruned.
Sometimes it needs to be redirected.
And sometimes, perhaps, it needs to be redeemed.
But before we can decide what comes next, we have to be willing to see what we’ve been weaving.
And that’s the work we’re doing here.
Not becoming someone worthy.
Learning to live from the truth that we already are!
Until Next Time!
