There is a beautiful biblical principle that can become something very different when we turn it into a rule.
A husband is called to lead.
A wife is called to submit.
A wife is described as a “helper.”
Those ideas appear in Scripture. But somewhere along the way, many of us were handed a version of them that sounded a lot more like this:
He’s the man. You’re supposed to follow him.
And if he makes the decision, you go along.
If he is wrong, you pray.
If he is irresponsible, you endure.
If he is angry, you keep the peace.
If he makes a decision you believe is unwise, you submit anyway.
If something is morally wrong, well…
He’s your husband. What choice do you have?
That last sentence is where I want us to slow down.
Because there is a difference between biblical submission and passive obedience.
Sadly, in my years of working with women, I have come to realize that a vast majority of Christian women do not truly understand that submission and passivity are NOT the same thing!
So after considerable prayer, BTBAB is being led to train women to discern between the two.
This post will probably create some mixed feelings. That’s okay!
We have to realize that “feelings” aren’t supposed to be the basis for our actions. And long held family, social and church traditions shouldn’t be either!
Please don’t be quick to take offense. Stay with me… and let’s explore this, step by step, using biblical examples are our guide.
First up in the concept that:
Passive obedience isn’t biblical maturity.
There is a kind of obedience that looks spiritual on the outside but can actually become a way of avoiding responsibility.
“He’s my husband. I have no choice.”
It can sound humble.
It can sound submissive.
It can even sound deeply Christian.
But sometimes it is simply a way of handing responsibility to someone else.
And Scripture doesn’t give us permission to do that.
A woman doesn’t stop being a moral agent because she gets married.
She doesn’t stop bearing the image of God.
She doesn’t stop having a conscience.
She doesn’t stop being responsible for what she participates in, what she teaches her children, what she supports, what she permits, or what she calls right and wrong.
Her husband’s leadership does not become her conscience.
She answers to God, too.
That matters enormously when a marriage is healthy.
And it matters even more when it isn’t.
Because if we’ve taught women that “submission” means surrendering their discernment, we have created a theological framework in which a woman can be convinced that obedience to her husband requires disobedience to her own conscience.
That isn’t a small misunderstanding.
That’s a dangerous one.
Maybe “helpmate” doesn’t mean what we think it means
Genesis 2:18 says:
“I will make a helper suitable for him.”
The Hebrew phrase is ʿezer kənegdô.
And here’s where things get interesting.
Ezer can be translated “helper,” but that English word can carry an implication of subordinate assistance that isn’t inherent in the Hebrew term. In the Old Testament, ezer is also used of God as the helper of His people.
Kənegdô conveys the idea of something corresponding to him, suitable for him, or facing him.
There is legitimate scholarly discussion about exactly how the phrase should be rendered. But what it does not give us is a simple picture of a woman created to be a lesser person standing behind a superior one.
She is his corresponding counterpart.
His partner.
The one standing beside him.
And that becomes especially interesting when we look at the women Scripture actually gives us.
Because the Bible does not present women as a collection of quiet, passive observers waiting for men to tell them what to do.
Look at the women Scripture remembers
Consider Deborah.
She was a judge of Israel. People came to her for judgment, and she summoned Barak and instructed him concerning Israel’s military action (Judges 4).
Consider Abigail.
Her husband Nabal behaved foolishly and put their entire household in danger. Abigail recognized what was happening, acted decisively, approached David, appealed to his conscience, and prevented bloodshed (1 Samuel 25).
She didn’t wait for her husband to authorize her wisdom.
Consider Huldah.
When the Book of the Law was discovered during Josiah’s reign, royal representatives went to her for interpretation. Her words carried enough authority that the king’s officials took her message seriously (2 Kings 22).
Consider Esther.
She risked approaching the king because she recognized that silence could cost her people their lives.
Consider Jael.
Judges 4 tells us that Sisera, commander of an enemy army, fled to her tent. Jael acted decisively and killed him with a tent peg. Judges 5 later celebrates her action.
Consider the unnamed woman of Abel Beth Maacah in 2 Samuel 20.
This one may be my favorite for what we’re talking about.
Joab and David’s forces were preparing to destroy her city because Sheba, a rebel against David, had taken refuge there.
This woman came out and called to Joab.
She demanded to know why a city that was described as a peaceful and faithful city should be destroyed.
She learned that Joab wanted Sheba.
Then she went to the people of the city, persuaded them to act, and Sheba’s head was thrown over the wall.
The army withdrew.
The city was spared.
And Scripture doesn’t introduce her as a queen, prophet, judge, military commander, or wife of an important man.
It simply calls her a wise woman.
She saw a problem.
She spoke.
She questioned a man with military power.
She negotiated.
She persuaded her community.
And she helped save her city.
That’s a remarkable picture of what biblical womanhood can look like.
And then there’s another unnamed woman in Judges 9.
When Abimelech attacked Thebez, a woman dropped an upper millstone on him from the tower. He was mortally wounded, and his dying concern was that no one would say a woman had killed him.
The Bible is not giving us a handbook instructing women to throw rocks at men.
Obviously.
But these stories matter because they make one thing very difficult to argue:
Biblical women are not consistently portrayed as passive, voiceless, or incapable of decisive action.
The Scriptures contain women who discern.
Women who speak.
Women who confront.
Women who persuade.
Women who protect.
Women who lead.
Women who act.
Sometimes their actions occur precisely when the men around them are failing to see what needs to be seen.
That doesn’t erase the biblical distinctions between men and women.
But it should make us very cautious about turning “submission” into passivity.
So what has God entrusted to BOTH of them?
This is the question I think we sometimes skip.
We talk about what God entrusted to a husband.
Leadership.
Responsibility.
Protection.
Sacrificial love.
Provision.
Spiritual responsibility.
And those things matter.
But what has God entrusted to the wife?
Discernment.
Wisdom.
Conscience.
Influence.
Strength.
Responsibility.
Motherhood, for those who have children.
Spiritual formation.
The stewardship of her own choices.
And ultimately, accountability before God.
Marriage doesn’t erase those things.
A husband may lead the household, but he doesn’t become the woman’s conscience.
His leadership does not cancel hers.
And her husband’s responsibility does not become an excuse for her to stop exercising her own.
This is why I think the phrase co-laborer is sometimes more helpful than the mental picture many women have been given.
Not because husband and wife have to be identical.
Not because every decision must become a 50/50 vote.
Not because biblical marriage means nobody ever follows anyone.
But because both people are responsible participants in the life God has entrusted to them.
She was not created to be his shadow.
She was created to stand beside him.
When did leadership become unquestionable authority?
This is where things get messy.
Because Scripture does speak about husbands loving, serving, protecting, and leading.
Ephesians 5 is one of the passages most often brought into this conversation.
But notice what Paul actually says to husbands.
He doesn’t say:
You are the boss. Make sure she knows it.
He tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25).
That’s a very different picture of leadership than entitlement.
Christlike leadership is not a blank check for authority.
It is a call to sacrificial responsibility.
And Ephesians 5 begins with a statement that matters enormously to the conversation: “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21).
The relationship between that verse and the household instructions that follow is debated among scholars, including questions about the grammar and textual form of verse 22. There is legitimate disagreement about exactly how the passage should be structured and translated.
But there is no good reason to pretend the passage is simple.
The first-century household existed inside a very different social world than ours. The household instructions in Ephesians interact with that world while also placing substantial demands upon husbands.
So instead of grabbing one verse and building an entire theology of marriage around it, we should read the whole passage.
And perhaps ask a better question:
What kind of leadership is Paul actually describing?
Because if the model is Christ, then leadership cannot simply mean getting your way.
It means laying yourself down.
It means taking responsibility.
It means loving sacrificially.
It means using strength for the good of another person rather than using another person for the benefit of yourself.
That’s leadership.
And that’s a very different thing from unquestionable authority.
Submission is not the same thing as agreement
This distinction matters.
A wife can honor her husband without agreeing with him.
She can respect him without believing every decision he makes is wise.
She can submit in a particular area without surrendering her ability to think.
She can disagree without being rebellious.
She can say no without dishonoring him.
And she can refuse to participate in something she believes is wrong without becoming a “disrespectful wife.”
Because respect is not silence.
Submission is not agreement.
Leadership is not infallibility.
A boundary is not rebellion.
Those distinctions become especially important when the husband is making decisions that are not merely different from hers, but destructive.
What if he’s addicted to pornography?
What if he’s abusing alcohol?
What if gambling is destroying the family’s finances?
What if gaming has consumed his life to the point that his wife and children are neglected?
What if he’s having an affair?
What if he’s controlling?
What if he’s threatening?
What if he’s physically violent?
What if he is demanding that she participate in deception?
What if he is making choices that place their children in danger?
Is a wife supposed to say:
“Well, he’s the head of the household, so I have to support him”?
No.
That isn’t biblical submission.
That’s passive obedience.
And passive obedience can become a very convenient way to avoid responsibility.
A wife is not her husband’s moral shield
A woman does not become righteous by participating in her husband’s unrighteousness.
She doesn’t become more godly by helping him conceal it.
She isn’t required to lie for him.
She isn’t required to protect his reputation at the expense of truth.
She isn’t required to teach her children that destructive behavior is acceptable because “Daddy is the head of the house.”
And she certainly isn’t required to surrender her conscience because someone told her that doing otherwise would make her a rebellious wife.
Being your husband’s helpmate does not make you his accomplice.
A wife is not her husband’s moral shield.
And a husband’s leadership cannot absolve a wife of her own responsibility to discern whether the direction of their household is righteous.
Sometimes loving your husband means supporting him.
Sometimes it means encouraging him.
Sometimes it means following his lead.
And sometimes it means looking directly at him and saying:
“No. I cannot participate in this.”
That isn’t automatically rebellion.
Sometimes it is wisdom.
Sometimes it is courage.
Sometimes it is the most faithful thing a woman can do.
And then there’s the New Testament
The picture doesn’t suddenly become simpler once we get to Paul.
Romans 16 names women such as Phoebe, Prisca, and Junia in significant ways, and Paul’s letters refer to women as coworkers and people serving important roles within Christian communities.
Exactly how every title should be translated or understood is debated, particularly in the case of Junia and several terms associated with Phoebe. Modern scholarship continues to examine those questions rather than treating every English rendering as self-evident.
That matters.
Because translation is interpretation.
That doesn’t mean translations are deliberately corrupt.
It means moving words from Hebrew or Greek into English requires choices.
And English words come with baggage.
A word that sounds like “assistant” to a modern reader may not carry the same implications as the ancient term behind it.
A word translated “submit” can be understood within a larger sentence, argument, culture, and relationship.
And sometimes the assumptions of the reader become so familiar that we stop noticing them.
That’s where we need to be careful.
Some of our ideas about women may be older than we realize
Some of the most limiting ideas about women have been repeated so faithfully within Christian culture that many women have mistaken them for Scripture itself.
That is worth examining.
Not because Christianity needs to be reinvented every time society changes.
Not because modern culture gets the final word.
Not because every traditional interpretation is automatically wrong.
And certainly not because women should simply do whatever feels good.
Quite the opposite.
If we believe Scripture is authoritative, then we should be willing to examine what we’ve been taught against Scripture itself.
We should be willing to ask whether a particular teaching comes from the text—or from a tradition built around the text.
We should be willing to distinguish between:
What Scripture actually says
and
what we’ve always heard Scripture says.
Those aren’t necessarily the same thing.
So go back to Scripture
This is not an invitation to replace one authority with another.
Please don’t trade the church lady who told you what the Bible means for the internet personality who tells you what the Bible really means.
Don’t trade one guru for another.
And don’t throw Scripture away because somebody used it badly.
Open the Bible.
Not take my word for it.
Not replace one internet guru with another.
Not do whatever feels good.
Read it.
Read Genesis.
Read the stories.
Read the Gospels.
Read Acts.
Read Romans 16.
Read Ephesians 5 in context.
Read the difficult passages.
Read the uncomfortable ones.
Look at the women Scripture remembers.
Ask what the original words meant.
Ask what the surrounding culture assumed.
Ask what the text actually says.
And then ask the uncomfortable question:
Is what I was taught actually what Scripture says—or is it what generations of people have told me Scripture says?
That’s not rebellion.
That’s discernment.
And discernment is not something a woman has to surrender when she gets married.
She already bears the image of God.
She already has a conscience.
She already has responsibility before Him.
Marriage doesn’t transfer those things to her husband.
She answers to God, too.
So yes, there may be times when a wife follows her husband’s lead.
There may be times when she defers to his judgment.
There may be times when honoring him means laying down her own preference.
That’s part of loving another human being.
But there is a world of difference between choosing to yield and believing you have no choice.
One is an act of love.
The other can become passive obedience.
And a woman does not need to make herself smaller, quieter, weaker, or less discerning in order to become a godly wife.
She was created to stand beside him.
To help.
To speak.
To discern.
To encourage.
To challenge.
To love.
To serve.
To exercise wisdom.
And when necessary—
to say, “This is not right.”
Dear Ones, sometimes the most faithful thing a Godly woman can do is refuse to surrender the discernment He gave her.
I will leave you with a bit of homework this week: Read the verses I’ve provided. Ask for the Creator to show you areas where you have fallen subject to traditions that don’t quite line up with His original intent for Biblical Womanhood. You may be surprised at what He shows you.
I pray peace and wisdom rain down upon you as you discern God’s perfect will for your current situation.
Until Next Week—-
