This is part one of a five part series entitled “Five Truths I’ve Finally Learned”.
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Dear friends,
I want you to spend a few minutes pondering sounds that make you happy. What comes to mind? The ocean waves as they lap against a sandy beach? The clinking of wind chimes as they react to a gentle breeze? The cheery chirping of migrant birds, at your feeder announcing the arrival of spring? I love those sounds, too! But for me, there is one sound that beats all of those, hands down.
It’s the laughter of little children. It’s one of my most favorite sounds on Earth! I love the unbridled joy that radiates from their little faces. It’s sweet. Simple. Unencumbered by the heaviness that life often dumps in our laps as adults. Little children live in a realm of immediacy. Immediate Joy. Immediate sadness. They have not yet learned to hold back the tide of emotion that knocks us older folks down like waves at the sea shore. Little children aren’t embarrassed if they “snort” when they laugh. They don’t worry about who is making fun of them. They just LAUGH, unashamed and void of the social expectations that fence us in like a rusty barbed-wire cage.
How long has it been since you’ve allowed a child-like laugh to form deep inside your belly and escape your pursed lips? How many years have you strived to “keep it all together” for reputation’s sake, fearing that the “real you” wouldn’t find acceptance in the world you’ve created? How many years have you dressed the part you were expected to play, without regard to what it did to your soul?
Whatever your answer, the truth is… it’s been too long! That brings me to truth #5 on the count down of things I have finally learned:
5. You don’t get to determine my value! And nobody gets to determine yours either!
That’s right. The way I laugh or dress… whether or not I choose to wear make-up or jewelry… If I adorn my body with tattoos or piercings… or wear flour-sack dresses that hang loosely from my shoulders and drag the ground— what’s it to you? I should not have to walk like you, talk like you, dress like you or even think just like you to be valued and worthy of your love. Likewise, the choices you make don’t need to vie for my approval. They simply need to be an honest reflection of who you are.
An honest reflection. Did you catch that?? We must live a life that is honest— both with others, and ourselves!
My life, like yours, has been a series of moving from one season to another. As the circumstances in my life have ebbed and flowed, my hair style and wardrobe have changed right alongside my responsibilities and attitudes. I’ve been the teen in the “painted on” jeans, the conservative home-school mom in the blue jean jumper, and everything in between. But that whole time, I have always been “me”.
Well… except for those times when I was trying to earn the acceptance and approval of others! During those seasons, I remained a version of myself but never allowed myself to be fully—unapologetically— me. After all, being me, with all my flaws, was just too scary! What if someone discovered something about me that they didn’t like? They might… reject me! (Oh, the horror!)
Over the years, I developed this nifty little protective mechanism to thwart the pain of rejection. I rationalized that if I could just squeeze myself into the mold my desired group expected, they would “like” me and I could “belong”. All it took was… everything. All of the restraint, submission, swallowing-hard, and self denying I could muster. It always worked, at least for a while. Everyone loved me— except me!
It’s a pattern that started as a young child when I observed that “good little girls” behaved in a specific way and earned both love and approval, while those who went against social expectation were “bad little girls” unworthy of either. I learned quickly, and the lesson served me well growing up in the home I did. But the behavior patterns it produced made me extremely vulnerable to external manipulation. I was desperate to “people please” and terrified of disappointing those who “loved” me. It was almost as though I wore a blinking sign that told the world I would jump through hoops to gain its approval. This not only thwarted my personal growth as a young woman, it also made me an easy target for narcissistic personalities. Looking back, I can see that many of those unhealthy patterns lingered long enough to cause problems for my children as well.
Maybe I’m the only one out here who has allowed others to dictate what I should or should not look like; who I should… and should not be? But that’s unlikely. I believe it’s a pretty common pitfall for women in our society. It’s one of many lies we fall victim to. The lie tells us that if our husband loves us, we have value. If our children turn out “well”, we are good mothers. If lots of people like us, we must be a “good” person. If our house looks like a magazine cover, then we are great home-makers. If our social media presence has lots of followers, we are “successful”. Blah, blah, blah…
But here’s the truth: Our value does not come from the friends we keep. Our marriage status is not a reflection of our worthiness. How our children turn out has as much to do with their personal choices as it does our parenting skills. And social media? Ha! Social media is such a fickle source of affirmation. It’s a joke to think our value can be determined by the number of “likes” we get on a post.
My friend, when our value comes from these places, it can LEAVE with these places! The woman whose marriage fails must be a failure. The woman whose circle of friends excludes her is suddenly worthless. The mom whose children are struggling obviously did something “wrong” and all the sacrifices she made over the years were for naught. A messy house can’t provide comfortable shelter or a satisfying meal.
Y’all know that’s not true!
The truth is— Our value comes from the Most High. He determined our worth long before our soul merged with our physical body. We are the daughters of the King of the Universe. That is the position we are born in to— and die in to. It’s the only thing that will never fail us! It isn’t dependent on who we are married to, who approves or disapproves of us, who wants to play with us or who hates our guts!
The Creator placed a label on us that declares us “IRREPLACEABLE. ONE OF A KIND. WORTHY OF SENDING HIS SON TO DIE ON OUR BEHALF. LOVED— FOREVER” — without regard to whether or not we “snort” when we laugh! No one in Heaven– OR Earth –can place a “sale tag” on what God Himself calls Priceless—UNLESS we, ourselves, hand them the Price Gun….
Girlfriend, I want you to remember that!
It’s taken me a life time to finally start applying this truth. Along the way, I’ve had to make a lot of changes, and even let some highly contemptuous people go. Though I still appreciate a kind word, I no longer live for other people’s praise— and I don’t die on the altar of their criticism either! The Almighty Creator sets my value now, and the price tag He’s placed on my forehead declares me “Unique. One of a Kind. Dearly Loved, Highly Valued, and Priceless Beyond Measure”. This chick won’t ever let herself be placed on the “clearance isle” again, and neither should you!
Please Tune in next time for part 4 in the countdown of Five Truths I’ve Finally Learned!
Until Next Time,
