Tag: #emotionalhealing

Healing Tears

Posted on by mrsmonarch

She didn’t WANT to cry…. but her heart was broken.

She took a long, slow breath and tried to shove the pain into the deep recesses of her soul where it would be hidden from the world… but the sobs broke through and the tears came in spite of her best efforts.

She was angry with herself. How could she be so…Weak???!

But my friends, she wasn’t WEAK— for weakness is a CHARACTER flaw! And this young woman had tremendous character!

No— she was anything but weak! She was…. Vulnerable… and THAT is an entirely different thing.

You see, “Vulnerability” is a temporary season that we ALL have to occasionally walk through. It’s a “momentary, light affliction”; a season where we withdraw from the battle for a short time, lick our wounds… and give ourselves a chance to heal.

Why is it that tears are considered “weakness” and stoicism is considered “strength”?? I’m tempted to pass the buck—shake my head and declare that I don’t know. But that would be a lie!! I do know.

Our society considers tears a weakness because this world is a fallen, broken mess! What is wrong is now being called right. And what is actually right is being labelled as wrong. But truth is truth— even when it’s not appreciated, readily accepted or followed.

And the truth is—- tears are HEALING. They are a release valve for the stress, anxiety, sadness and grief that build up in ALL of us. They truly cleanse our weary soul. And I think that is why this miserable, broken world discourages us from crying. You see, the enemy doesn’t WANT us to rest and cleanse ourselves. And he darn sure doesn’t want us to HEAL!

So how does the enemy stop a body function that is designed to be our natural, built-in, personal-defense system? Ah— he twists it and calls it “weakness”!! That’s how! He whispers doubts, insecurities and fear into our ears and leaves the rest to us! Then WE run with it. (We humans are SO good at that!)

Convinced that crying is for the weak, we scramble to find any way possible to numb ourselves and prevent the tears from escaping—-EVEN IF WE MAKE OURSELVES SICK IN THE PROCESS! It’s actually a Brilliant strategy!

At this point, you might be rolling your eyes and saying, “Ugh! I HATE to cry!” Followed by a curious, “Hmmm. Could she be right? Are tears actually healing??”

Indeed they are!

Most of us don’t realize that the human body makes three different types of tears, and they are each unique. Let’s take a quick look.

First, there are “Basal tears”. These keep our eyes lubricated and protect them from infection. Next, are “Reflex tears”. They are the result of a physical catalyst, like exposure to freshly cut onions. They clean out dust, dirt and other contaminants that get into our eyes. And last–but not least— are EMOTIONAL tears. These are the most interesting of all! And since they are the ones society frowns heavily on, they are the ones we need to talk about today.

Many years back, Dr William Frey, a biochemist from the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis, MN discovered that “reflex tears” are about 98% water. They effectively clean contaminates from our eyes. But his study also showed that EMOTIONAL tears, like those we shed while watching a heart-wrenching movie, are made from an entirely different composition! And they have now been proven to have numerous critical functions!

During his 20+ years of research, Dr. Frey was able to scientifically prove that emotional tears help us shed toxic biological byproducts that build up during times of stress in our life! Plus, it is only our emotional tears which stimulate the production of endorphins, our body’s natural pain killer and “feel-good” hormones! These hormones show up just when we need them the most! Is that not the coolest??!

(As a side note: Scientists claim that human beings are the only creatures on the planet who cry for emotional reasons. But I watched a documentary on elephants where a mother elephant helplessly watched as her baby took its last breaths… and she moaned in a way that broke my heart!!! So…. I’m not convinced that is true— but I don’t want to get off topic here.)

INSERT BIG, DEEP SIGH HERE.

At this point, I’ve typed—and deleted— several lengthy paragraphs about the production and release of hormones like ACTH and cortisol during times of stress. (They were pathetically boring and the only people who would have been compelled to read them would be the nurses on my mailing list, and they already know all this stuff! *smile*)

So—let’s just be content to say “Stress does horrible, no-good, ugly things to our mind, body and spirit” and that grandma’s advice to “Go have yourself a good cry! You’ll feel SO much better!” has now been scientifically proven to be true!

If you’re interested in looking into it further, I’d suggest you google “tears” and do some research on all the many benefits of having a good cry! Then maybe… carve out a couple of hours alone. Grab yourself a box of tissue. Put on that sappy chick flick and let the tears come.

Admittedly, it’s never EASY to let our guard down and allow the tears to flow— but it just might be the answer to the stress relief that we’ve all been overlooking. And frankly? I suspect there is healing on the other side of that river of tears!

Until Next Time, 

 

When Yesterday’s Pain Knocks on Today’s Door

Posted on by mrsmonarch

A few weeks ago, an acquaintance reached out to me. She is a physically beautiful woman with kind eyes, a radiant smile and a countenance that lights up a room. In her note, she was quite complimentary of my work and repeatedly mentioned that she had always felt a connection with me—feeling that we have likely walked some of the same places and overcome similar challenges.

As I read her words, my insides began to feel warm and fuzzy. She’s an accomplished author and public speaker, so her words of validation held a great deal of weight and my thirsty soul soaked them up as gratefully as a traveler through a dusty desert would appreciate a cold glass of water.  I felt acknowledged.  Appreciated. Included. Validated. A smile crossed my face.

Then…. It happened. I got to the last two paragraphs of her letter. That’s when my countenance fell. There was an “invitation” to join an organization of people just like “us”, who would provide a network of like-minded folks for us to work alongside and glean from. This “golden, ground floor opportunity” was only being offered to a “very select few” of her friends—a handful of talented, sensitive people like ME—whom she is eager to get to know better and work with. And the BEST part? I can choose to be a part of all this camaraderie for the bargain basement price of only… $50 a month.

I went from 60 to zero in 3.7 seconds. My insides ached. I felt deceived. Tricked. And terribly, terribly foolish. That little voice in my head taunted me. “She wanted something from you! Of course she did! People ALWAYS want something from you!” I literally sat there, reading and re-reading her words, and felt like I was drowning in a flash flood of emotion that came out of NO where and was about to sweep me away! I was startled by the intensity of the sting I felt! It truly hurt all the way to my core!

Now, I want to take a step back and clarify. She seems to be a fantastic lady, and her motives may have been completely pure! Truthfully, I have no reason to think otherwise. She may have actually been familiar with my work. She may have heard me speak somewhere.  Her invitation may have been completely legitimate and her interest sincere. In fact, I may have just turned down an opportunity to work with someone who has credible inside knowledge of a difficult-to-crack industry and real connections!

(*Cue that hateful little voice in my head. It is laughing hysterically as I write this. It keeps saying things like, “Yep! That’d be YOUR luck! Haha! Maybe you should have told her you’d do it. It’s like agreeing to be a part of a “rent a friend” club! And you KNOW you could use some new friends!”)

But I silence the voice and keep typing. I made the right call, and I know it. Here’s why…

I’m finally old enough and wise enough to realize that when something sparks that much raw emotion in us, it’s an indication of a nasty wound that is hiding somewhere in the depths of our weary souls. From my reaction, this wound was old… and deep. And filled with years of dirt, debris and scar tissue. 

My first reaction, of course, was to ratchet all that unpleasantness down and sweep it under the proverbial rug. (Avoidance is ALWAYS my “go to” reaction! LOL) But my “rug” has grown lumpy from doing that over the years, so I decided to be brave and investigate it further. I wanted to finally be free of whatever this was—- even if that meant I had to dig deep and endure an alcohol and iodine bath.

(Did that phrase just betray my Southern heritage??! Probably so. But I digress.) To translate, that means I finally decided that I needed to figure out where all of this pain and insecurity were coming from. I needed to face it and clean it up —even if it was a painful process. Then— and only then— could I expect to finally heal from it and move on.  I prayed earnestly for insight.

It came as a nagging question. “Child, when was the very first time you were left out? Excluded? Made to feel like an outcast—-unwanted and tossed aside?”

I sighed. I recognized that “voice”. It’s how the Father speaks to me. His voice is quiet but firm. Full of gentle strength and tenderness. It is never taunting like my alter ego. It continued…

“I want you to go back there for a brief moment, only THIS time, I want you to be mindful that I am here, holding your hand. I want you to let yourself feel those feelings. I want you to remember those tears. Yes, it’s going to hurt a bit, but I want you to remember that I love you and I will never let you go. I want to show you that there was purpose in your pain.”

I sighed again. My mind began to wander back over the years, speeding past an assortment of life events, big and small, the way an old VCR tape would do.  

When my thoughts stopped spinning, I found myself in 3rd grade. That was when I learned how important it was to get the approval of “Connie”, the most popular girl in class. It was Connie, the girl with chestnut brown, waist length hair, and all the pretty clothes who seemed to have the final say of whether or not you could play on the swings at the same time as the “in” crowd. It was Connie whose invitation to sit at her table during lunch could make… or break… your perceived value. It was Connie who decided when we would play four-square and when we would play kick ball. And it was Connie who always told us who would play on what team. Yes, It might have been the teacher who handed out the report cards, but trust me when I say that it was Connie who had already graded your worth!

I wasn’t smiling any more. Yesterday’s pain was knocking on today’s door.

I felt an odd mixture of loneliness and sadness. Frankly, it surprised me that all these years later, something as “simple” and petty as a childhood clique could actually be the root of so much hidden insecurity and heartache. And that’s when my adult brain made the connection. It wasn’t “just” 3rd grade Connie. There have been MANY Connies in my life over the years.

There was that group of “mean girls” in Junior High School. And that boy who broke my heart. There was that girl in high school who pretended she was dying to be my friend, when in fact, she knew I was like a kid sister to a boy she had a crush on and she used me to gain access to him. Yes, there have even been “Connies” in my adult life— those who only called when they wanted something. Those who were “friends” —all the way up to the point where I needed to lean on them for a change… 

You know the ones. We’ve all had them cross our paths every so often. It always hurts to realize that they were much more important to you than you were to them.

And, that was the last straw. Yesterday’s pain KICKED open the door. I felt 9 years old again. The dam broke and one experience after another flooded my recollection. There were “Connies” EVERY WHERE! By this time, big ugly, crocodile tears were streaming down my face.  I felt so cheap. Dirty. Manipulated. Used. STUPID. I was about to go full blown pity party!

But God…

That’s when He stopped me in my tracks. He squeezed my wounded soul and brought me back to 2019. I took a deep breath. I felt so …. Tired. Drained. Empty. Working through our issues does that, friends. But that’s when He made good on His promise and pulled back the veil of confusion so that I could gain understanding.

“Child”, He said, “Yesterday’s pain doesn’t have to linger on today’s doorstep! I know those things hurt. But I want to show you the bigger picture. Your feelings are intense. You love very deeply and… that does make you more vulnerable to heartache. You thought that because those things were hurtful, they were inherently “bad”. But the truth is, you were in training. You see, you learn best through experience. You always have. I needed you to understand— to truly understand— how deeply the pain of rejection can wound the human spirit. I needed you to know what being left out, cast aside, and over looked REALLY looked like. Only then could I grow the compassion and empathy in you that would eventually be so encouraging to others.”

And that was my jaw-dropping moment. Pain, yes. But pain with a purpose! God vows to use ALL THINGS for our good and His glory. And this was the opportunity He chose to reveal how He had made good on that promise in MY life. As I look back over my life and this ministry, I can see that it was the heartache that tenderized my spirit and grew compassion in me. It was the pain of rejection that grew into my fiercely protective loyalty and my dogged search for the overlooked, discarded, “under-dogs” of society!

I looked in the mirror. My mascara was smeared all down my tear stained face. I was tired, yet oddly at peace. I can bring up these memories now and see them in a different light. It’s all very “matter of fact” now. There is no puss-filled, toxic infection brewing. And, my spirit is lighter. It was SO worth the effort!

Now back to how the story started –that acquaintance with an agenda. Her offer probably is legit. And, it might be a wonderful opportunity. But not for THIS season in my life. And I finally gathered the courage to tell her that. If it’s truly the right move for me, my Heavenly Father will bring it back around once I’m better prepared for it. He’s proven that He’s faithful like that, over and over again.

So guess what? The very day I sat down to commit all of this paper, a very dear and trusted friend called me out of the blue. She wants us to work together to plan a ladies conference, where patterns of brokenness can be identified and healed! Hmmm! If I’d over ridden my emotion and swept it all under the rug—- had I rejected embracing the pain and jumped for the first glittery thing I was offered—I’d currently be too committed to embrace this task. And that’s when it hit me. All things truly DO work out for the best when we lay ourselves bare on God’s alter and allow Him to do His miraculous work in us!

Friends, some of the topics I cover are not easy to write about. But, I hope my transparency helps you find the courage to do your own housekeeping; to bring the skeletons out of the closet, to “bury the dead” and get on with the business of your BEAUTIFUL LIFE. It is absolutely worth the effort.

 

Until Next Time!