A few weeks ago, an acquaintance reached out to me. She is a physically beautiful woman with kind eyes, a radiant smile and a countenance that lights up a room. In her note, she was quite complimentary of my work and repeatedly mentioned that she had always felt a connection with me—feeling that we have likely walked some of the same places and overcome similar challenges.
As I read her words, my insides began to feel warm and fuzzy. She’s an accomplished author and public speaker, so her words of validation held a great deal of weight and my thirsty soul soaked them up as gratefully as a traveler through a dusty desert would appreciate a cold glass of water. I felt acknowledged. Appreciated. Included. Validated. A smile crossed my face.
Then…. It happened. I got to the last two paragraphs of her letter. That’s when my countenance fell. There was an “invitation” to join an organization of people just like “us”, who would provide a network of like-minded folks for us to work alongside and glean from. This “golden, ground floor opportunity” was only being offered to a “very select few” of her friends—a handful of talented, sensitive people like ME—whom she is eager to get to know better and work with. And the BEST part? I can choose to be a part of all this camaraderie for the bargain basement price of only… $50 a month.
I went from 60 to zero in 3.7 seconds. My insides ached. I felt deceived. Tricked. And terribly, terribly foolish. That little voice in my head taunted me. “She wanted something from you! Of course she did! People ALWAYS want something from you!” I literally sat there, reading and re-reading her words, and felt like I was drowning in a flash flood of emotion that came out of NO where and was about to sweep me away! I was startled by the intensity of the sting I felt! It truly hurt all the way to my core!
Now, I want to take a step back and clarify. She seems to be a fantastic lady, and her motives may have been completely pure! Truthfully, I have no reason to think otherwise. She may have actually been familiar with my work. She may have heard me speak somewhere. Her invitation may have been completely legitimate and her interest sincere. In fact, I may have just turned down an opportunity to work with someone who has credible inside knowledge of a difficult-to-crack industry and real connections!
(*Cue that hateful little voice in my head. It is laughing hysterically as I write this. It keeps saying things like, “Yep! That’d be YOUR luck! Haha! Maybe you should have told her you’d do it. It’s like agreeing to be a part of a “rent a friend” club! And you KNOW you could use some new friends!”)
But I silence the voice and keep typing. I made the right call, and I know it. Here’s why…
I’m finally old enough and wise enough to realize that when something sparks that much raw emotion in us, it’s an indication of a nasty wound that is hiding somewhere in the depths of our weary souls. From my reaction, this wound was old… and deep. And filled with years of dirt, debris and scar tissue.
My first reaction, of course, was to ratchet all that unpleasantness down and sweep it under the proverbial rug. (Avoidance is ALWAYS my “go to” reaction! LOL) But my “rug” has grown lumpy from doing that over the years, so I decided to be brave and investigate it further. I wanted to finally be free of whatever this was—- even if that meant I had to dig deep and endure an alcohol and iodine bath.
(Did that phrase just betray my Southern heritage??! Probably so. But I digress.) To translate, that means I finally decided that I needed to figure out where all of this pain and insecurity were coming from. I needed to face it and clean it up —even if it was a painful process. Then— and only then— could I expect to finally heal from it and move on. I prayed earnestly for insight.
It came as a nagging question. “Child, when was the very first time you were left out? Excluded? Made to feel like an outcast—-unwanted and tossed aside?”
I sighed. I recognized that “voice”. It’s how the Father speaks to me. His voice is quiet but firm. Full of gentle strength and tenderness. It is never taunting like my alter ego. It continued…
“I want you to go back there for a brief moment, only THIS time, I want you to be mindful that I am here, holding your hand. I want you to let yourself feel those feelings. I want you to remember those tears. Yes, it’s going to hurt a bit, but I want you to remember that I love you and I will never let you go. I want to show you that there was purpose in your pain.”
I sighed again. My mind began to wander back over the years, speeding past an assortment of life events, big and small, the way an old VCR tape would do.
When my thoughts stopped spinning, I found myself in 3rd grade. That was when I learned how important it was to get the approval of “Connie”, the most popular girl in class. It was Connie, the girl with chestnut brown, waist length hair, and all the pretty clothes who seemed to have the final say of whether or not you could play on the swings at the same time as the “in” crowd. It was Connie whose invitation to sit at her table during lunch could make… or break… your perceived value. It was Connie who decided when we would play four-square and when we would play kick ball. And it was Connie who always told us who would play on what team. Yes, It might have been the teacher who handed out the report cards, but trust me when I say that it was Connie who had already graded your worth!
I wasn’t smiling any more. Yesterday’s pain was knocking on today’s door.
I felt an odd mixture of loneliness and sadness. Frankly, it surprised me that all these years later, something as “simple” and petty as a childhood clique could actually be the root of so much hidden insecurity and heartache. And that’s when my adult brain made the connection. It wasn’t “just” 3rd grade Connie. There have been MANY Connies in my life over the years.
There was that group of “mean girls” in Junior High School. And that boy who broke my heart. There was that girl in high school who pretended she was dying to be my friend, when in fact, she knew I was like a kid sister to a boy she had a crush on and she used me to gain access to him. Yes, there have even been “Connies” in my adult life— those who only called when they wanted something. Those who were “friends” —all the way up to the point where I needed to lean on them for a change…
You know the ones. We’ve all had them cross our paths every so often. It always hurts to realize that they were much more important to you than you were to them.
And, that was the last straw. Yesterday’s pain KICKED open the door. I felt 9 years old again. The dam broke and one experience after another flooded my recollection. There were “Connies” EVERY WHERE! By this time, big ugly, crocodile tears were streaming down my face. I felt so cheap. Dirty. Manipulated. Used. STUPID. I was about to go full blown pity party!
But God…
That’s when He stopped me in my tracks. He squeezed my wounded soul and brought me back to 2019. I took a deep breath. I felt so …. Tired. Drained. Empty. Working through our issues does that, friends. But that’s when He made good on His promise and pulled back the veil of confusion so that I could gain understanding.
“Child”, He said, “Yesterday’s pain doesn’t have to linger on today’s doorstep! I know those things hurt. But I want to show you the bigger picture. Your feelings are intense. You love very deeply and… that does make you more vulnerable to heartache. You thought that because those things were hurtful, they were inherently “bad”. But the truth is, you were in training. You see, you learn best through experience. You always have. I needed you to understand— to truly understand— how deeply the pain of rejection can wound the human spirit. I needed you to know what being left out, cast aside, and over looked REALLY looked like. Only then could I grow the compassion and empathy in you that would eventually be so encouraging to others.”
And that was my jaw-dropping moment. Pain, yes. But pain with a purpose! God vows to use ALL THINGS for our good and His glory. And this was the opportunity He chose to reveal how He had made good on that promise in MY life. As I look back over my life and this ministry, I can see that it was the heartache that tenderized my spirit and grew compassion in me. It was the pain of rejection that grew into my fiercely protective loyalty and my dogged search for the overlooked, discarded, “under-dogs” of society!
I looked in the mirror. My mascara was smeared all down my tear stained face. I was tired, yet oddly at peace. I can bring up these memories now and see them in a different light. It’s all very “matter of fact” now. There is no puss-filled, toxic infection brewing. And, my spirit is lighter. It was SO worth the effort!
Now back to how the story started –that acquaintance with an agenda. Her offer probably is legit. And, it might be a wonderful opportunity. But not for THIS season in my life. And I finally gathered the courage to tell her that. If it’s truly the right move for me, my Heavenly Father will bring it back around once I’m better prepared for it. He’s proven that He’s faithful like that, over and over again.
So guess what? The very day I sat down to commit all of this paper, a very dear and trusted friend called me out of the blue. She wants us to work together to plan a ladies conference, where patterns of brokenness can be identified and healed! Hmmm! If I’d over ridden my emotion and swept it all under the rug—- had I rejected embracing the pain and jumped for the first glittery thing I was offered—I’d currently be too committed to embrace this task. And that’s when it hit me. All things truly DO work out for the best when we lay ourselves bare on God’s alter and allow Him to do His miraculous work in us!
Friends, some of the topics I cover are not easy to write about. But, I hope my transparency helps you find the courage to do your own housekeeping; to bring the skeletons out of the closet, to “bury the dead” and get on with the business of your BEAUTIFUL LIFE. It is absolutely worth the effort.
Until Next Time!
